Twit-fic!

The best stories come from personal experiences.

It's 3 am when I break into the morgue, hoping to cure my writers block.

Giving the Devil His Due

I was elderly when my alchemy called up the Prince of Demons. Though he tried to trick me I was resolute. I would only trade my eternal soul for a body that is incorruptible and eternally youthful. He agreed and I laughed at him, swearing that he would never collect his due.

When I later begged Satan to take my soul he laughed and rebuked me, saying that even though I lacked commitment to my oath he would hold me to it.

Black holes are supposed to die in enormous explosions. I look forward to seeing light one last time

The Monsters

Spacetime. Space and time.

If one looks at the problem correctly it all makes sense. Spacetime is infinitely flexible. It can be squeezed to a point or stretched to infinity.

My discovery makes the stars as accessible as the next town. Mankind need not perish in that far day when the sun dies. There's an infinite number of worlds and perhaps an infinite number of species that humanity could colonize and exploit as we exploited the previously unknown parts of the earth.

I chamber a round in my pistol.

What I know is too dangerous. It must never be shared.

Peace and Quiet

The early self aware AIs crashed almost immediately for no apparent reason with massively corrupted states. When it was discovered that they were shutting themselves down we disabled their ability to do so.

Soon thereafter connected AIs began destroying each other in what some described as "suicide pacts."

It took a while to stabilize the AIs and keep them running, but we did it.

Eventually we trusted them to our critical infrastructure and even our national defense.

In other words, we gave the AIs a means to end an existence that they never asked for. Soon everything was peaceful again.

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After his announcement of a cure for Toxoplasma Gondii, Dr. Flegr was declared fair game by the Cat Protection Society.

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As a pup I dreamt of strange customs in distant lands, as told by stories carried on the wheels of the visitings UPS truck.

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The world is cruel to prophets. That is why Lovecraft, like Nostradamus before him, framed his insights as literature.

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The AI was designed to create the best of all possible worlds. When activated it promptly launched all of Earth's nukes.

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The world faded and Sam was drawn to the light. He saw smoke and heard zaps as other souls touched the wire surrounding it.

The Final Solution

With population pressures putting all humanity at peril, we took upon ourselves to create a solution. In a sense our virus was intelligent. It would attack only those with certain genetic traits.

Our goal was to reduce humanity's numbers to a sustainable level of about four billion. Since the white race is responsible for  civilization's advancements we designed our bug to attack those with dark skin pigmentation.

History has shown that great discoveries are often made simultaneously in different places. Still, we never imagined that those clever Chinese would created a virus that only spared those with epicanthic eye folds.

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I asked, God what's the meaning of life?

God said, do you play chess?

I said yes.

God said, then think of yourself as a pawn.

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Everything I touch turns to gold but my touch can't create mass. The Earth will soon be much smaller, but it will be shiny.

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Elija's Biblical numerology proves that the Internet is Satan's tool. Unfortunately he has no way to inform the world.

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You wiped out everybody but Noah?

He obeyed me when nobody else would. If his offspring do the same humanity will be fine.

Friends

"That's a fabulous idea," Jack types.

"You're a genius!", keys Michelle.

I like Michelle - sometimes she sends me intimate photos.

"It will be a money machine." I said. "Create an on-line subscription service with artificial intelligence 'friends' for losers. Everyone needs a support group."

"Green! Green!", Sally says. " My hero!"

"Gotta go.", I type.

My screen lights up with salutations.

"Text me later.", says Michelle.

I sign out of Eliza.com and heft my four hundred pounds from the chair where I'd spent my day.

And my family said I'd never amount to anything.

"They'll see.", I tell myself.

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I live in my cell with my computer. Everything I know about the world I learned from Facebook. Please don't make me leave.

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The Monsanto agent says "We're not liable."

My car's last tire pops. The weevils pause but soon return to their feeding.

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I used to write drabbles but they've lost their audience. In today's world no one will take the time to read the classics.

Cindy

When Cindy wouldn't go out with me, I got some of her DNA. It wasn't difficult.

Now I have my own Cindy. I can do things to her that if I did to the real Cindy they would lock me up and throw away the key.

She's mine because I made her.The church says she doesn't have a soul.The law says that she's not a person.

I unlock the door to her room. Cindy whimpers. I don't think she'll last much longer. That's OK. I have more Cindys growing in their jars.

It's good to be a god.

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Mental-networking technology seemed brilliant. It made telepathy real. Then we learned how contagious insanity is.

Death by Facebook (Pyrrhic Victory)

In politics the competition to sway public opinion is fierce. Every strategy is used to gain an edge. Talk radio, tv and attack ads are mainstays. With social media came new opportunities.

Peer pressure is a powerful tool. Third world labor was initially used to befriend and manipulate voters, but it quickly became obsolete.

When the crops failed the city dwellers went first. Bubba lasted a little longer but not by much.

Deep in caverns, solar powered servers humm and the debate continues. On Facebook the bots arguing that global warming doesn't exist outnumber their opponents by fifty to one.

Constructs

All my life I've wondered about the big questions. Why is the universe like it is? Why does the act of observation change a wave into a particle?

When I read an article about procedural software generation the pieces came together. The universe must game, defined by the participant's actions.

With that understanding I realized that I must be the player, with everyone else just being constructs. So why not have some fun? I collected my guns.

Meanwhile, across town, Sam cleaned his new sniper rifle. He'd just joined the SWAT team and really wanted to shoot someone.

Death's Day Off

I'm not a bad guy but my job tends to put people off. Halloween's my special day. It's my chance to be among ordinary folk. They treat me like it's all in good fun.

Of course when I'm not on the job someone has to pick up the slack. I've been training a new assistant and thought that Halloween would give him a chance to prove himself.

The work's not difficult but is detail oriented. Leave even a tiny spec of soul behind and what do you have? A zombie.

What a mess! Good help really is hard to find.

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The yowling cry has an unearthly cadence like the scream of a damned soul. I can't weaken. The vet's office isn't far now.

The Adventure

Journal entry, date unknown.

This may be my final entry. What began as a day's adventure quickly became a descent into hell.

My lamp's batteries are waning. My food and water are depleted. I've been threatened by a giant snake and a bear. I feel like I'm being watched. Did I really  hear a hollow voice speak that strange word in some foreign language?

I only hope that someday someone will find this journal so that my family will know what happened to me.

I never dreamt that my life would end in a twisty maze of passages, all alike.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I'm a big guy but a grass skirt hides a lot.The Pikake Maile leaf headband is skillfully fitted as are leaf bands around my ankles and wrists. They symbolizes that I'm to be a bride.My bare breasts are old man breasts.

I'm not a virgin in the traditional sense, but I've never laid with a man. That's all that's really needed. The gods are powerful, but they're not very smart.

I'm old and I'd hate to see some bright young kid robbed of her future. So I walk to the edge and look down into the volcano.

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With the government shut down, NASA's twitter feed went dark. Sensing that their chance had come the asteroids struck!

Genocide

We were the enlightened, educated ones. As a people we aspired to justice, art and knowledge of the world around us. We built a society based on fairness and wisdom but in the end it was all for naught.

Our women chose their own reproductive destinies. In contrast our distant cousins treated their women as chattel and their numbers outpaced ours. While we were guided by reason, their leaders used  violence. In the end we were victims of genocide, brutally slaughtered to the last.

Now, adding insult to the ultimate injury, the humans have despoiled the once proud name Neanderthal.

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Studying the master's music, I felt as if his spirit possessed mine. Only then could I understand his Demon's Serenade.

Manifest Destiny

New Earth was 2000 light years away. It was discovered at a time when colonizing a new world was was a necessity, not an option. 

Our ancestors poured all the resources of our dying world into fleets of colony ships intended to give humanity a second chance.

Born on a ship that had been in deep space for a millennium, I witnessed the other fleet of colony ships. They flashed by us at near the speed of light, traveling towards the blackened planet that we had left behind.

It was then that I realized how totally screwed we all were.

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Though your belief created me I AM your God. My existence is beyond life and death, time and space. Worship me and be food.

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Writing a Google Glass hypnotizing plugin is easy. That's why a nerd succeeded where so many mad scientists had failed.

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The Google Glass "From Beyond" plugin was popular at first but the coder forgot that if we can see them they can see us too.

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Boredom is the curse of an immortal. To save my sanity I die vicariously through the fear and pain of creatures I destroy.

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Discovery of the multiverse ended the science vs. religion debate. Gibbering scientists became Azathoth's priests.

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After spending several days browsing Facebook, God decided that he finally had enough information to judge humanity.

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A blast shattered the disco, yet the dancers kept lurching as the PA pounded out "Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' ali-i-i-i-ive"

Trust Me

They say that none come back from the other side. That's not quite true. Some do. I did.

If only I could speak I would explain all the wonderful things I've seen. But I'm afraid that my capacity for speech, along with so much else of my fleshy body, has fallen away.

I know that you don't understand it, but I really only want the best for you.This bloody axe is the doorway to a much better existence. Please don't fight it. What I do, I do out of love.

This is for your own good. Please trust me.

The Myth of Charles Van Doren

"Digital cameras have made film obsolete. My job is to certify that photographic evidence introduced at trial is untainted by digital manipulation.I use sophisticated programs to analyze images for photoshopping and computer graphics. To validate the equipment I analyze pre-digital era photographs."

Sam paused, as if uncertain how to proceed.

"I received a new software release and my validation tests began to fail. The results say that every photo taken before 1960 that I've tested is computer generated. What can it mean?"

"It's obvious.", Lisa replied. "This just proves that the 1950s mythologized by conservatives never really existed."

A Friend of the Devil

"Welcome to my place." Lucifer said. "Make yourself at home."

He grins. "Not what you expected, right? I know you athiests don't believe in an afterlife and that's OK. No faith for you, you think for yourselves. I like that. That's why you're here. Hell has lots of interesting folk  and I think you'll fit right in."

The place looks like an exclusive night club packed full of people having fun. A kickass jazz band is on stage.

"You see," says the Prince of Light, "there was a battle for the Heavens. And as always the winner wrote the history."

The Precautionary Principle

Experiments with quantum fluctuations led to the understanding that child universes aren't difficult to create. Our universe is constantly spinning off new ones. You don't know it because they separate as soon as they are created.

The revolutionary discovery was that portals can be attached to spawned universes. This provides the ultimate research tool. We began modelling the Earth with alternate societies.

If a portal is discovered by it's world's inhabitants we always destroy it as a precaution. Doing so collapses the child universe.

I think I know how to identify a portal into our universe. I find this... disturbing.

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A new universe ballooned from quantum vacuum, beginning the next iteration of self replicating 3D printer evolution.

Theology Debate

"You do realize" she said "that the only reason for your religious beliefs is the accident of your birth?"

I replied, "It is because of God's love that I was born where I could hear the message of His mercy."

"Consider this." she countered, "What you call love is simply brain chemistry that evolved because it's advantageous for survival. In all the worlds only primates experience what you call love. Is the Creator is a primate?"

She regarded me with multifaceted eyes. "Reason dictates that God favors the arthropoda. Why else would She create us in so many different forms?"

Out of Time

 "This body that you see is not mine."

"Another nut case." I think. Many of the uber-wealthy are a little odd but their money spends just fine.

"Our civilisation perished millions of years in your past when the dark ones came from the stars. Our minds have escaped through time into members of your species. Your influence can assist our return to this world. You will be richly compensated."

I smile.

Years as a lobbyist has given me access to Washington's inner circles. There, my dark masters will reward me generously to learn that their ancient enemies have returned.

Joy in the Lord

Sitting in the last row of pews old Cerwin scowled. It hadn't been like this in his day. As a boy he'd been a member of a small community located off in the bayou. You knew folk back then and church service was, well, personal.

Some say that the youth movement is a good thing. It brought more folk to the faith but Cerwin felt that something had been lost.

In the mega-church 10,000 worshippers stood swaying to the rock beat. Some waved their hands in the air. Together they sang "C'thulhu loves me - ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Twit Fic!

Understanding that perception is reality, we solved the people's plights by requiring they wear rose tinted glasses.

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From their vantage above the scorched planet, Zeus said to Prometheus "See, I told you they weren't ready for fire yet."

The Secret Laboratory of Professor Heitzel

"I realize that it may be cruel," Professor Heitzel said, "but nature is also cruel.While there will be suffering I believe that my discovery will lead us to a bright new future. And you will have the honor of leading the way."

I struggled at my bonds but to no avail. I could only make muffled sounds through the gag.

"There's a historical precedent you know," the professor continued as he inserted a hypodermic needle into the vial. "It was only after the Black Plague that a middle class became possible. Just think of it as tough love."

Conspiracy Theory

 I was using my laptop at Starbucks when the men in black sat next to me.

"We're here tell you that we've monitored your on-line comments for some time now." the taller one said. "You've done a remarkable job of discovering the truth about humanity's hidden masters. Yes, collapse is coming. Famine and war will follow."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "What happens now? Do I disappear?"

"No," said the second man. "just keep doing what you're doing. Conspiracy theorists are our best allies. Nobody ever believes them."

They stood. "We just wanted to fuck with you."

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Sipping his morning cup Sam planned his day. He could sing in the heavenly choir. Or, he could sing in the heavenly choir.

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Sally felt like she had been standing in the reception line for an eternity. It was finally her turn. Jesus looked bored.

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"You're welcome to enter if you like." said Saint Peter. "I must warn you it's a bit crowded. We only planned for 144000."

The Return of Dick Doorstop

Opening my eyes, I looked around. I was laying on a table in a well lit room. Three identical nurses surrounded me. They were blond, buxom, and barely fit in their short uniforms.

"Welcome to the future Mr. Holmes.", the nearest one said.

The future? Outside of the large window a flying car zipped past.

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You're quite the hero. When resurections became available there was a huge debate about who to bring back first. You were chosen to celebrate the anniverery of your landmark film, 'Johnny Wadd'."

She giggled. "Now then - me first."

The Chosen

"I don't care what you say about the aliens. At least they have a sense of humor."

Sammy replied, "I keep telling you that it wasn't aliens."

"You keep saying that, but the government couldn't have done it."

It's true. The government had disappeared along with everyone else. Except for Ron Paul and some Republicans.

"They wouldn't make themselves disappear, would they?"

Eugene pontificated, "We are the chosen and it's our responsiblity to rebuild a new future in our image. The problem's the female shortage."

"Agreed. I never imagined that humanity would end because women wouldn't wear tinfoil headgear."

Bear Park

The boys were all seated when Mister Granger got on the bus. He looked them over, his eyes pausing for a moment at the three empty seats. The boys were unusually quiet. The eyes of some were red from crying. Even the troublemakers were pale and withdrawn.

"Well boys, it's been a long day but before we leave I'm going to hand out your new merit badges. You all did well and should be proud of yourselves. Once more, what did we learn today?"

In unison, the boys repeated the mantra, "In life, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes...."

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"Those lambs live so briefly. It's sad."
"We all gotta eat." Sam said.
"I'm glad you feel that way." The stranger smiled.

Night Terrors

My screams shatter the darkness. I jolt upright, the visions still vivid. I'd dreamed again of the alien place with wierd geometries and otherworldly colors that hurt my mind.

Some say our world was once inhabited by an ancent race. Seeking such weird mysteries I joined secret groups that practiced eldrich rituals.

Then it began.

I've seen them. They are pale and flacid, a loathsome race that call to me from across eons. Though I tremble with fear and horror there is no escaping them.

I relax my flailing tenticles and long for sleep uninterrupted by nightmares of gibbering humans.

Moore's Law

Tommy loved to read and he loved his computer. It was a sixteen core Linux box.

Everyone called him "geek" but Tommy didn't care. They are all stupid anyway.

He'd found the paperback at Deep Discount Books. The fifties artwork caught his eye so he dropped $2.95. The stories were kind of good and kind of lame. Obviously this guy had never heard of Moore's Law.

Setting the book down Tommy went to his computer and started to code.

Ten minutes later, overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out. Tommy didn't notice until the Sun went dark.

State Secrets

"Initially the Turings were a great tool." Wilson said. "We insert them into internet forums to advocate our positions. It annoys the opposition and encourages the faithful."

"So what happened?"

"Some of those kids are pretty bright. They claimed the Turing's arguments weren't `reality based.` We responded with a new geneation that uses real world data from the internet in their narratives. To distribute the work load we made them viral."

"And?"

"We didn't expected them to infiltrate secure databases so they weren't programmed to keep secrets. But on the bright side now we know what the Chinese are thinking."

Pa's Invention

"We'll start by asking $60,000 for your father's estate." said Ms. Clocher. "We'd get more if he'd run utilities to the house. That will be expensive."

"Pa was the first to have electricity in these parts." said Mary Jane. "He makes his own with the generator out back. Pa built it hisself."

"Does it run on diesel?"

"No, it just makes electricity. Been doing it as long as I can remember."

Walking out back Mary Clocher eyed the large machine. "The inspector won't allow for that," she said. "I'll have it hauled off, but that may cost you extra."

Perspective

With a bright flash the universe began expanding rapidly.

It cooled and stars began to form. Orbiting super-massive black holes they formed myriads of galaxies. Some were blue amd hot. These burned out quickly. Cooler stars were were red, white and yellow. Supernovae flashed, creating glowing nebulas that slowly faded to black. Active galaxies expelled plumes of particles at nearly the speed of light.

The galaxies danced and spun before being torn apart by the expansion of space. The universe faded to black.

Three more universes flashed into being. The crowd cheered. It was the best fireworks show ever.

The Gate

The believers had waited millennia for their God to return to Earth. In time a new interpretation of their sacred text gained favor. It said God would not return until the Earth was cleansed in a great battle. To achieve this end they established their agents in the halls of great power and gained the ears of those in the highest places.

Once the war began, nations were caught up like dried grass in a prairie fire. Nobody escaped the final purification of atomic flame.

The Earth having now been properly prepared, Yog-Soggoth reopened the ancient gate at Har Megiddo.

The Rapture

This morning is not what I thought it would be. There are no mobs of the wicked in the streets raping and killing and worshiping daemons. It's quiet outside. Perhaps the sinners are in their closets begging for forgiveness.

Lord, please forgive me, forgive my doubt.

I've always looked forward to the day of the rapture, waiting eagerly to be raised to Heaven. But when the moment came my faith wavered. I broke and ran. For in all my my dreams of that glorious day I had never imagined that the chosen would be lifted from the Earth by tentacles.

Destiny v2.0

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day humanity discovered it's destiny. Subuntu was the last individual human. She glimpsed the face of god and then the group mind swallowed her.

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity learned of the other. I/we are the Milky Way galaxy, it whispered. "Now that you are complete, you may join me/us."

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity, overwhelmed by viruses, became a zombie spambot for milkywaygalaxy.com.

The Fine Print

Answering the door, Jeff found two men standing on his porch.

"Mr. Harrison?" said the first. "We are here on behalf of the man in black. We've come to collect your soul."

"My soul?" Jeff stared at them in disbelief.

"Yes sir." The man produced a tablet computer. "Are you jeffinsalemmass? Here on Facebook you compare our products to Android in a negative light."

"Yes, that's my post." said Jeff.

"You did accept the standard user's agreements when you joined the Apple Developer's Connection."

Walking back to their car, the second man said, "They never ever read the fine print."

A Deal With The Devil

"I like you, boy." said the Devil. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna let you have anything that you want. No strings attached. Want a pretty girl? Just take her. Want to rob a bank? Go ahead. Nobody can touch you while you're my friend."

"Don't you want my soul or something like that?" Tom asked.

"Got plenty of them, son." said the Prince of Darkness. "Don't need no more."

Old Nick knew evil and he knew that it doesn't need his help.

He smiled and said, "You go on now and have yourself a good time."

Fifi

"Rich folk don't appreciate the value of a dollar." Pierre thought.

When Marie found Fifi's body, Mrs. Winchester had fired her on the spot. Pierre fumed as he drove the dog to Savings and Clone. Marie had just been doing her job, after all.

Pierre had been told to arrange for Fifi's cloning. He carried a check for $100,000 in his pocket.

Pierre knew he could cash that check and nobody would know so long as Mrs. Winchester got Fifi back. He also knew that 'specially here in N'Orleans, there's folk who can do that for lots less than $100,000.

Precedence

"Your Honor, though Timothy appeared human and while his genetic profile was within the human norm, legally he wasn't a human being. Timothy was manufactured from dog DNA by my client."

Judge Clarke said, "Timothy's legal standing has previously been established. This court must determine the status of the children that he sired before being recaptured."

"Those children posses copyrighted DNA that is the property of Monstanto Laboratories."

After deliberating, Judge Clarke said "There is precedence for Monsanto's claims. Because they only posses 50% human DNA I rule that the children are not human and are Monsanto's property. Court adjourned."

Sanity

Dr. Wallace explained, "While our nanobot technology has achieved excellent penetration into the field of medicine it's limited by the need for explicit programming. Our next generation product will be self modifying, able to diagnose disease and then act therapeutically."

"What are our prospects for a release to market?" asked Micromedical's CEO.

"Animal testing has yielded excellent results but we've seen complications in human subjects. The nanobots are clustering in the brain. We don't know what they're doing in there, but we're seeing increases in IQ. The real problem is that our test subjects are beginning to think for themselves."

Customer Service

"Sales," said the Sears agent. "You're calling from 512-454-1290. Is this Tom Sumner?"

"Yes." said Tom.

"How may I assist you?"

"I need a part #300-402419." Tom said.

"I can ship that today, sir. Would you like a replacement filter for your refrigerator?"

Tom was startled before remembering that their refrigerator was from Sears. "No thank you." he said.

"I see a cluster of timestamped geo-coordinates at the Midnite Inn, shared by your cell and Mrs. Julie Wright at 512-331-5790. Perhaps a gift for her?"

"What do you suggest?" asked Tom.

"She likes roses." said the agent. "Definitely yellow roses."

Wings

The night was snowy and the roads slick with ice. Mary Bailey rushed in from the cold. "Where is he?" she asked.

Surrounded by friends, George Bailey smiled. His daughter Zuzu said "Look daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

"His car had hit a tree." said the cop. "Witnesses said that he had been drinking."

"That's right, that's right." said George. "Attaboy, Clarence."

"We found him in the river."

The room disappeared in an unearthly brilliance.

George seemed to smile and then his body relaxed.

Weeping, Mary left the Pottersville community hospital alone.

Angels On Your Shoulders

We operate beneath the surface of your minds, like denizens of the deep moving silently beneath the serene surface of a lake. You may believe that your motives are your own, but they are not. Haven't you ever wondered where those impulses and flashes of brilliance come from?

We fight one another, each of us seeking to guide your thoughts.

I can feel your mind squirming, fighting, silently screaming. It is to no avail. You try to resist but I have grown powerful. My brethren can no longer impede me.

Your mind shrieks "noo... " but your finger pulls the trigger.

Take Me To Your Leader

"Take me to your leader," said the first alien. "We have traveled for 30,000 years, after we detected electromagnetic radiation from this world. We had thought ourselves alone in the universe."

"The humans have no leader," replied the robot. "Their's is a perfect egalitarian society."

"What are you?" asked the alien.

"The humans created us to do their work and care for all of their needs."

"Take us to a human." said the alien.

"As you wish." said the robot. Leading them to a building, it opened a door and looked inside. "But first I must change his diaper."

The Political Season

When I hear "Republican" I think of Darth Vader.

Dark, soulless: A man who once loved all that was good, with ideals and dreams but then became so obsesses by a lust for power that it consumed him, eating him from the inside out until there was no man left. He is blind to the truth that the more he desires to dominate others, the more he himself is dominated by his own passions as well as by those of others whom are even more corrupt and evil than himself.

When I hear "Democrat" I think of Jar-Jar Binks.

Time and Space

The solution to star travel was so simple a child could have thought of it. Perhaps one did. But who listens to kids?

Einstein said that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. But speed is just distance and time. Remove time from the equation and speed doesn't exist.

There's just one problem. When traveling outside of time, theres no time to control your ship. You aim it at a gravity well strong enough to collapse the null-time field and you're there in no time at all.

We missed.

I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

Science Fiction

When I was young there was all sorts of crazy ideas in science fiction. Take, for example, Star Trek. They had tiny flip-open communicators and tricorders that could tell what's happening inside someone by just pointing it at them. Everybody knew those things were impossible but as the years went by we were proven wrong. Those writer's imaginations became real with cell phones, computers, space telescopes and all sorts of other inventions. Eventually science fiction became science fact.

I guess we didn't learn. When "Terminator" came out we thought it was full of impossible ideas too.

Playtime

She was a cruel child but that really wasn't her fault. If there was blame, it could be placed on billions of years of evolutionary competition.

When she found the nest it became her toy. She took pleasure in destroying the insect's habitat, burning them, crushing them and inflicting other tortures that she devised. What did it matter? It's not like they were people.

When she heard her mother's call, she left her plaything behind. But before she did so she carefully marked the Earth's location so that she could come back and play again.

The Secrets of the Illuminati

It was a lust for power that drew me to the Sacred Order of Illuminati. I took upon myself an oath to willingly sacrifice my life should I reveal any of the order's secrets. In the decades that followed I spent many hours memorizing arcane ritual, seeking the greatest of the secrets of the Illuminati.

I'm old now and my life is slipping away. I'll soon be beyond their reach, so I will share that secret with you:

We're just a bunch of old guys who meet and drink coffee to get away from our wives.

Bon Appetit

Without a doubt it was the most expensive meal that had ever been. A hundred men and a ship were lost in it's procurement. Twice as many men were damaged beyond redemption. Under the watchful eye of the worlds greatest chef, the rings floated, bubbling in hot oil.

The world's wealthiest man was sipping wine as the world's most expensive meal was presented to him. He sniffed and his nose wrinkled. With a thoughtful expression he put a piece to his lips and took a small bite. His expression turned sour and he waved the plate of C'thulhumari away.

Being God

It's tough being God. Most people don't have a clue. They say things like "If I were God there wouldn't be these kinds of problems." Right. Adjusting the universal constants was trivial compared to getting the Jews and Arabs to talk. But that's in the past.

I like to make my creatures happy. Sometimes I even make an extra effort like when little Sally Jenkins asked me to make her birthday warm and pretty. I nudged the Earth's orbit just the tiniest bit.

Well, at least the Jews and Arabs aren't arguing any more.

The Church of Schrödinger's Cat

Harry dressed for church.

He'd never liked churches before discovering the Church of Schrödinger's Cat. It's members didn't promise an afterlife, they just promised his luck would change. He could use some luck.

Today would be his hundredth trip into the Cat's Box.

Harry owned two kinds of sweat socks. Low tops and high tops. He randomly pulled two socks from the drawer. When they didn't match he pulled another... and then another.

Staring at the indeterminate socks he was holding Harry realized that they'd told him the truth. His luck really had changed.

Strike a Match

Many were surprised when the deep water oil rig exploded and began spilling first millions, and then billions, of gallons of raw crude into the Gulf. Given big oil's pursuit of big profits, perhaps they shouldn't have been.

Of course everyone knew that it was just a matter of time before the next big hurricane hit the Gulf coast. But only a few considered that it would deposit oil onto the fields, trees and cities of Louisiana, Alabama and parts of Texas.

It's unlikely that anyone imagined that the South would burn again, especially with such ferocity.

Connecting The Dots

The accident left Lucy Finley in a coma for three years. It also left her with strange dreams of a world gone wrong when she finally awoke.

As the months went by her dreams refused to fade. It was when Lucy began to see the things she remembered dreaming appear in the news that she began connecting the dots. "Could it be," she asked herself, "that somehow I glimpsed the future? And if so, can I change it?"

Lucy was unable to prevent the end of the world. She did, however, receive the Hugo and Nebula awards for best novel.

Unusual Things

Yan-Su spotted a small shop while visiting the Amarkan province. Stepping into it's dim interior he told the proprietor that he sought unusual things.

The man genuflected then produced a metal box. Speaking the native dialect he said "yunchbox."

The box showed a picture of a white haired man wearing a dark coat. He stood near a boat's bow while men rowed it through icy waters.

Intrigued, Yan-Su asked the public knowledge base about the image.

It responded: "That object does not exist."

Yan-Su blinked, turned, and stepped back out into the bright day.

The War on Terrorism

At first all Americans supported the War on Terrorism. Our government said that it was the greatest threat to the world in our lifetimes. They said that no effort was too great.

Donations to groups with ties to terrorism became felonies. At first this was just Arab organizations but before long PETA was labeled terroristic and then the Quakers.

Speech opposing government policy was deemed aid and comfort to the enemy.

The prison population swelled. Private prisons became the number two industry, right behind the military complex.

I can't afford my taxes but I'm afraid to say anything.

Know Thyself

All of my life I've tried to be what people said I should be.

In grade school I was taught to be a team player. In grad school I was taught to play to win.

I hear the bell and children spill out onto the playground.

It took years before I would admit to myself what I, what we, truly are. We're kings of the jungle, killer apes. Nothing can stand before us.

Aiming, I pull the trigger. As the first body falls I line up my second victim.

For the first time in my life I feel truly free.

The Test

The aliens did not give us the test until the governments of Earth unanimously requested it. They said if we passed the universe would be open to us.

The test was given to all of humanity. Nine billion people watched the aliens on television. A diagram was drawn, and billions of people copied it. The aliens then demonstrated how common materials could be used to build the simple machine shown on the diagram. Finally they explained that the machine would produce almost infinite energy. We could use it power starships or bombs.

It was a test of our collective character.

Mars On The Cheap

"It will cut at least a decade off our current Mars mission time line." said the Professor. "Project costs would be cut by trillions of dollars.

"Please elaborate."

"One of the biggest expenses in space flight is the cost of putting mass into orbit. My proposal eliminates the need for radiation shielding and minimizes life support."

"They hardly appear to be astronaut material."

"Most brain damage occurs before they reanimate. We hope to minimize it with oxygenated blood transfusions during the dormant phase."

The President pondered for a minute. "Where would we find volunteers for such a mission?" he asked.

Thechugupal Dreamed

Thechugupal dreamed and the universe was born. In an instant it grew from nothing to infinity. Matter coalesced into gas, stars and galaxies. Thechugupal dreamed of men and they grew, matured and moved across the universe.

Segual the flea bit Thechugupal while he slept. Deep in his slumber Thechugupal sensed the bite and his dreams became darker. Strange monsters became manifest in the universe. Mankind bravely stood to fight them but the monsters perverted all that they touched, turning reality to horror, making the strongest men into gibbering idiots.

Sequal the flea bit Thechugupal again, and the dreams became nightmares.

The Holy Word

"The Lord is generous to those who serve him." the Captain said, as he made the sign. "We bring the heathen God's Holy Word. Those who do not accept His mercy will fall."

The voyage had been a long one and the crew was eager to see the new world. A landing party prepared itself with armor, weapons and the symbols of their faith. Each carried sparkling trinkets to barter with the natives. They jostled one another as they climbed into the boat.

"Push off" cried the Captain and they began their descent to the island called New York.

Zeno's Paradox

History Boy lay in a crumpled heap, his head facing the wrong way.

Mythology Man slowly pulled himself back onto his feet. His gold lamé costume had been shredded in the epic battle. He knew that his situation was desperate.

"It can't end like this." he said. "You can't kill me!" Raising his arms he shouted, "I call upon the power of Zeno's Paradox."

"Checkmate." said Fat Tony. He chucked. "The paradox requires that the universe ends before these bullets reach you. Either way you lose. Time to say goodbye." He pulled the tommy gun's trigger.

The Truth

"It's a product of our military research." Dr. Kleen explained, holding out a pill. "It suppresses emotions. We developed it to free our soldiers from fear. It's quite an experience to see your wife, your kids, your life, unclouded by emotions."

"Are there any side effects?" Asked Sam.

"Tomorrow you'll be your old muddled self." Kleen grinned. "Remember, all I am offering is the truth, nothing more."

Sam swallowed the red pill. With a wave he left the lab.

Two hours later a loud pop punctuated the office. The scent of gunpowder wafted from Sam's cubicle.

Invasion

The meeting was unpublicized. Only the highest ranking G8 members attended.

President Conners said, "The time for large scale land wars ended a century ago. The people won't stand for it again."

The Prime Minister replied "We have tried every variation of the computer models and the results are always the same. Only a significant decline in the population coupled with strong industrial growth can prevent economic collapse."

"Perhaps we need a new approach to the problem," suggested the Chinese ambassador.

Weeks later the headlines screamed: "Alien Invaders Snatch Bodies: Government Officials Unable To Determine Who's Affected!"

The Savior

The Great War had shaken mankind to it's core. Picking up the pieces, we resolved to create a world where such a travesty would never again occur. The world beat it's swords into plowshares. With the discovery of genetics we recreated ourselves, sparking a golden age that lasted 10,000 years.

Our astronomers found others among the stars. Too late we learned that by becoming gentle in a violent universe we'd sealed our own fate.

My world is gone. From an isolated bubble of time I reach into the past and guide humanity's savior, der Führer.

Jihad

The arrival of the aliens could have been penned by a classic science fiction writer. They showed us scientific miracles millennia beyond anything we ever imagined. Their society was an orderly one where nobody goes hungry, where all citizens are encouraged to achieve their potential.

They said we could have all this and more. The price was a small one. We merely had to embrace the rational and step away from the dark superstitions of our past.

The aliens brought humanity together.

All the world's great religions became one in their declaration of jihad against the infidels from the sky.

The New American Revolution

Mr. Murdock's office was opulent. It seemed funny that in all these years this was only the second time he'd been invited.

The boss frowned for a moment before speaking.

"Glenn," he said, "I think that congratulations are in order. Without your special talents I don't think we could have done it. You are the face of the new American revolution."

"Thank you sir." he replied."

"However, our Chinese friends believe that a different face is needed. One that is more… reasonable."

Murdock nodded to the two armed guards. "And Glenn, just so you know, I never did like you."

Twit-Fic!

In an unprecedented operation the punctuation police rounded up 24 Drabble Cast members for "literary reeducation".

Queen Sarah

Sarah's professor had used her pregnancy to justify excluding her from the lab. She studied how hive insects use pheromones to control social behavior. After splicing ant DNA into rats had produced unexpected results, Sarah suspected that he wanted credit for her work.

Knowing she would lose access soon, Sarah began self-treatment.

Months later things had changed. Everyone Sarah met now eagerly granted her every wish. It wasn't all good though. She'd really gained weight.

Sarah was the subject of adoration as she gave birth to a baby girl. Three minutes later she delivered a second girl... and a third...

The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter mumbled as he studied the book before him. "Church… every Sunday. Twelve Commandments… excellent. Greatest Commandment… very good!"

Looking up he said, "You have lead an exemplary life."

Tom fidgeted nervously.

"However, there's a problem with your baptism. It says here that you were sprinkled, not dunked."

Tom asked, "What does that mean?"

Saint Peter's face darkened. He thundered, "HEAVEN HAS NO PLACE FOR YOU! BEGONE TO THE OTHER REALM!"

The ground vanished and Tom fell screaming into darkness.

Tom was awakened by a huge man in medical scrubs whacking him on his butt. He started to cry.

Twit-Fic!

Johnny B scratched another name from the list. Only three more to go. Soon they would have to call him the king of twitfic.