Joy in the Lord

Sitting in the last row of pews old Cerwin scowled. It hadn't been like this in his day. As a boy he'd been a member of a small community located off in the bayou. You knew folk back then and church service was, well, personal.

Some say that the youth movement is a good thing. It brought more folk to the faith but Cerwin felt that something had been lost.

In the mega-church 10,000 worshippers stood swaying to the rock beat. Some waved their hands in the air. Together they sang "C'thulhu loves me - ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Twit Fic!

Understanding that perception is reality, we solved the people's plights by requiring they wear rose tinted glasses.

Twit Fic!

From their vantage above the scorched planet, Zeus said to Prometheus "See, I told you they weren't ready for fire yet."

The Secret Laboratory of Professor Heitzel

"I realize that it may be cruel," Professor Heitzel said, "but nature is also cruel.While there will be suffering I believe that my discovery will lead us to a bright new future. And you will have the honor of leading the way."

I struggled at my bonds but to no avail. I could only make muffled sounds through the gag.

"There's a historical precedent you know," the professor continued as he inserted a hypodermic needle into the vial. "It was only after the Black Plague that a middle class became possible. Just think of it as tough love."

Conspiracy Theory

 I was using my laptop at Starbucks when the men in black sat next to me.

"We're here tell you that we've monitored your on-line comments for some time now." the taller one said. "You've done a remarkable job of discovering the truth about humanity's hidden masters. Yes, collapse is coming. Famine and war will follow."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "What happens now? Do I disappear?"

"No," said the second man. "just keep doing what you're doing. Conspiracy theorists are our best allies. Nobody ever believes them."

They stood. "We just wanted to fuck with you."

Twit-Fic!

Sipping his morning cup Sam planned his day. He could sing in the heavenly choir. Or, he could sing in the heavenly choir.

Twit-Fic!

Sally felt like she had been standing in the reception line for an eternity. It was finally her turn. Jesus looked bored.

Twit-Fic!

"You're welcome to enter if you like." said Saint Peter. "I must warn you it's a bit crowded. We only planned for 144000."

The Return of Dick Doorstop

Opening my eyes, I looked around. I was laying on a table in a well lit room. Three identical nurses surrounded me. They were blond, buxom, and barely fit in their short uniforms.

"Welcome to the future Mr. Holmes.", the nearest one said.

The future? Outside of the large window a flying car zipped past.

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You're quite the hero. When resurections became available there was a huge debate about who to bring back first. You were chosen to celebrate the anniverery of your landmark film, 'Johnny Wadd'."

She giggled. "Now then - me first."

The Chosen

"I don't care what you say about the aliens. At least they have a sense of humor."

Sammy replied, "I keep telling you that it wasn't aliens."

"You keep saying that, but the government couldn't have done it."

It's true. The government had disappeared along with everyone else. Except for Ron Paul and some Republicans.

"They wouldn't make themselves disappear, would they?"

Eugene pontificated, "We are the chosen and it's our responsiblity to rebuild a new future in our image. The problem's the female shortage."

"Agreed. I never imagined that humanity would end because women wouldn't wear tinfoil headgear."

Bear Park

The boys were all seated when Mister Granger got on the bus. He looked them over, his eyes pausing for a moment at the three empty seats. The boys were unusually quiet. The eyes of some were red from crying. Even the troublemakers were pale and withdrawn.

"Well boys, it's been a long day but before we leave I'm going to hand out your new merit badges. You all did well and should be proud of yourselves. Once more, what did we learn today?"

In unison, the boys repeated the mantra, "In life, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes...."

Twit-Fic!

"Those lambs live so briefly. It's sad."
"We all gotta eat." Sam said.
"I'm glad you feel that way." The stranger smiled.

Night Terrors

My screams shatter the darkness. I jolt upright, the visions still vivid. I'd dreamed again of the alien place with wierd geometries and otherworldly colors that hurt my mind.

Some say our world was once inhabited by an ancent race. Seeking such weird mysteries I joined secret groups that practiced eldrich rituals.

Then it began.

I've seen them. They are pale and flacid, a loathsome race that call to me from across eons. Though I tremble with fear and horror there is no escaping them.

I relax my flailing tenticles and long for sleep uninterrupted by nightmares of gibbering humans.

Moore's Law

Tommy loved to read and he loved his computer. It was a sixteen core Linux box.

Everyone called him "geek" but Tommy didn't care. They are all stupid anyway.

He'd found the paperback at Deep Discount Books. The fifties artwork caught his eye so he dropped $2.95. The stories were kind of good and kind of lame. Obviously this guy had never heard of Moore's Law.

Setting the book down Tommy went to his computer and started to code.

Ten minutes later, overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out. Tommy didn't notice until the Sun went dark.

State Secrets

"Initially the Turings were a great tool." Wilson said. "We insert them into internet forums to advocate our positions. It annoys the opposition and encourages the faithful."

"So what happened?"

"Some of those kids are pretty bright. They claimed the Turing's arguments weren't `reality based.` We responded with a new geneation that uses real world data from the internet in their narratives. To distribute the work load we made them viral."

"And?"

"We didn't expected them to infiltrate secure databases so they weren't programmed to keep secrets. But on the bright side now we know what the Chinese are thinking."

Pa's Invention

"We'll start by asking $60,000 for your father's estate." said Ms. Clocher. "We'd get more if he'd run utilities to the house. That will be expensive."

"Pa was the first to have electricity in these parts." said Mary Jane. "He makes his own with the generator out back. Pa built it hisself."

"Does it run on diesel?"

"No, it just makes electricity. Been doing it as long as I can remember."

Walking out back Mary Clocher eyed the large machine. "The inspector won't allow for that," she said. "I'll have it hauled off, but that may cost you extra."

Perspective

With a bright flash the universe began expanding rapidly.

It cooled and stars began to form. Orbiting super-massive black holes they formed myriads of galaxies. Some were blue amd hot. These burned out quickly. Cooler stars were were red, white and yellow. Supernovae flashed, creating glowing nebulas that slowly faded to black. Active galaxies expelled plumes of particles at nearly the speed of light.

The galaxies danced and spun before being torn apart by the expansion of space. The universe faded to black.

Three more universes flashed into being. The crowd cheered. It was the best fireworks show ever.

The Gate

The believers had waited millennia for their God to return to Earth. In time a new interpretation of their sacred text gained favor. It said God would not return until the Earth was cleansed in a great battle. To achieve this end they established their agents in the halls of great power and gained the ears of those in the highest places.

Once the war began, nations were caught up like dried grass in a prairie fire. Nobody escaped the final purification of atomic flame.

The Earth having now been properly prepared, Yog-Soggoth reopened the ancient gate at Har Megiddo.

The Rapture

This morning is not what I thought it would be. There are no mobs of the wicked in the streets raping and killing and worshiping daemons. It's quiet outside. Perhaps the sinners are in their closets begging for forgiveness.

Lord, please forgive me, forgive my doubt.

I've always looked forward to the day of the rapture, waiting eagerly to be raised to Heaven. But when the moment came my faith wavered. I broke and ran. For in all my my dreams of that glorious day I had never imagined that the chosen would be lifted from the Earth by tentacles.

Destiny v2.0

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day humanity discovered it's destiny. Subuntu was the last individual human. She glimpsed the face of god and then the group mind swallowed her.

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity learned of the other. I/we are the Milky Way galaxy, it whispered. "Now that you are complete, you may join me/us."

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity, overwhelmed by viruses, became a zombie spambot for milkywaygalaxy.com.