The Gate

The believers had waited millennia for their God to return to Earth. In time a new interpretation of their sacred text gained favor. It said God would not return until the Earth was cleansed in a great battle. To achieve this end they established their agents in the halls of great power and gained the ears of those in the highest places.

Once the war began, nations were caught up like dried grass in a prairie fire. Nobody escaped the final purification of atomic flame.

The Earth having now been properly prepared, Yog-Soggoth reopened the ancient gate at Har Megiddo.

The Rapture

This morning is not what I thought it would be. There are no mobs of the wicked in the streets raping and killing and worshiping daemons. It's quiet outside. Perhaps the sinners are in their closets begging for forgiveness.

Lord, please forgive me, forgive my doubt.

I've always looked forward to the day of the rapture, waiting eagerly to be raised to Heaven. But when the moment came my faith wavered. I broke and ran. For in all my my dreams of that glorious day I had never imagined that the chosen would be lifted from the Earth by tentacles.

Destiny v2.0

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day humanity discovered it's destiny. Subuntu was the last individual human. She glimpsed the face of god and then the group mind swallowed her.

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity learned of the other. I/we are the Milky Way galaxy, it whispered. "Now that you are complete, you may join me/us."

The day that Subuntu Hitsume joined the singularity was the day the god that had been humanity, overwhelmed by viruses, became a zombie spambot for milkywaygalaxy.com.

The Fine Print

Answering the door, Jeff found two men standing on his porch.

"Mr. Harrison?" said the first. "We are here on behalf of the man in black. We've come to collect your soul."

"My soul?" Jeff stared at them in disbelief.

"Yes sir." The man produced a tablet computer. "Are you jeffinsalemmass? Here on Facebook you compare our products to Android in a negative light."

"Yes, that's my post." said Jeff.

"You did accept the standard user's agreements when you joined the Apple Developer's Connection."

Walking back to their car, the second man said, "They never ever read the fine print."

A Deal With The Devil

"I like you, boy." said the Devil. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna let you have anything that you want. No strings attached. Want a pretty girl? Just take her. Want to rob a bank? Go ahead. Nobody can touch you while you're my friend."

"Don't you want my soul or something like that?" Tom asked.

"Got plenty of them, son." said the Prince of Darkness. "Don't need no more."

Old Nick knew evil and he knew that it doesn't need his help.

He smiled and said, "You go on now and have yourself a good time."

Fifi

"Rich folk don't appreciate the value of a dollar." Pierre thought.

When Marie found Fifi's body, Mrs. Winchester had fired her on the spot. Pierre fumed as he drove the dog to Savings and Clone. Marie had just been doing her job, after all.

Pierre had been told to arrange for Fifi's cloning. He carried a check for $100,000 in his pocket.

Pierre knew he could cash that check and nobody would know so long as Mrs. Winchester got Fifi back. He also knew that 'specially here in N'Orleans, there's folk who can do that for lots less than $100,000.

Precedence

"Your Honor, though Timothy appeared human and while his genetic profile was within the human norm, legally he wasn't a human being. Timothy was manufactured from dog DNA by my client."

Judge Clarke said, "Timothy's legal standing has previously been established. This court must determine the status of the children that he sired before being recaptured."

"Those children posses copyrighted DNA that is the property of Monstanto Laboratories."

After deliberating, Judge Clarke said "There is precedence for Monsanto's claims. Because they only posses 50% human DNA I rule that the children are not human and are Monsanto's property. Court adjourned."

Sanity

Dr. Wallace explained, "While our nanobot technology has achieved excellent penetration into the field of medicine it's limited by the need for explicit programming. Our next generation product will be self modifying, able to diagnose disease and then act therapeutically."

"What are our prospects for a release to market?" asked Micromedical's CEO.

"Animal testing has yielded excellent results but we've seen complications in human subjects. The nanobots are clustering in the brain. We don't know what they're doing in there, but we're seeing increases in IQ. The real problem is that our test subjects are beginning to think for themselves."

Customer Service

"Sales," said the Sears agent. "You're calling from 512-454-1290. Is this Tom Sumner?"

"Yes." said Tom.

"How may I assist you?"

"I need a part #300-402419." Tom said.

"I can ship that today, sir. Would you like a replacement filter for your refrigerator?"

Tom was startled before remembering that their refrigerator was from Sears. "No thank you." he said.

"I see a cluster of timestamped geo-coordinates at the Midnite Inn, shared by your cell and Mrs. Julie Wright at 512-331-5790. Perhaps a gift for her?"

"What do you suggest?" asked Tom.

"She likes roses." said the agent. "Definitely yellow roses."

Wings

The night was snowy and the roads slick with ice. Mary Bailey rushed in from the cold. "Where is he?" she asked.

Surrounded by friends, George Bailey smiled. His daughter Zuzu said "Look daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

"His car had hit a tree." said the cop. "Witnesses said that he had been drinking."

"That's right, that's right." said George. "Attaboy, Clarence."

"We found him in the river."

The room disappeared in an unearthly brilliance.

George seemed to smile and then his body relaxed.

Weeping, Mary left the Pottersville community hospital alone.

Angels On Your Shoulders

We operate beneath the surface of your minds, like denizens of the deep moving silently beneath the serene surface of a lake. You may believe that your motives are your own, but they are not. Haven't you ever wondered where those impulses and flashes of brilliance come from?

We fight one another, each of us seeking to guide your thoughts.

I can feel your mind squirming, fighting, silently screaming. It is to no avail. You try to resist but I have grown powerful. My brethren can no longer impede me.

Your mind shrieks "noo... " but your finger pulls the trigger.

Take Me To Your Leader

"Take me to your leader," said the first alien. "We have traveled for 30,000 years, after we detected electromagnetic radiation from this world. We had thought ourselves alone in the universe."

"The humans have no leader," replied the robot. "Their's is a perfect egalitarian society."

"What are you?" asked the alien.

"The humans created us to do their work and care for all of their needs."

"Take us to a human." said the alien.

"As you wish." said the robot. Leading them to a building, it opened a door and looked inside. "But first I must change his diaper."

The Political Season

When I hear "Republican" I think of Darth Vader.

Dark, soulless: A man who once loved all that was good, with ideals and dreams but then became so obsesses by a lust for power that it consumed him, eating him from the inside out until there was no man left. He is blind to the truth that the more he desires to dominate others, the more he himself is dominated by his own passions as well as by those of others whom are even more corrupt and evil than himself.

When I hear "Democrat" I think of Jar-Jar Binks.

Time and Space

The solution to star travel was so simple a child could have thought of it. Perhaps one did. But who listens to kids?

Einstein said that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. But speed is just distance and time. Remove time from the equation and speed doesn't exist.

There's just one problem. When traveling outside of time, theres no time to control your ship. You aim it at a gravity well strong enough to collapse the null-time field and you're there in no time at all.

We missed.

I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

Science Fiction

When I was young there was all sorts of crazy ideas in science fiction. Take, for example, Star Trek. They had tiny flip-open communicators and tricorders that could tell what's happening inside someone by just pointing it at them. Everybody knew those things were impossible but as the years went by we were proven wrong. Those writer's imaginations became real with cell phones, computers, space telescopes and all sorts of other inventions. Eventually science fiction became science fact.

I guess we didn't learn. When "Terminator" came out we thought it was full of impossible ideas too.

Playtime

She was a cruel child but that really wasn't her fault. If there was blame, it could be placed on billions of years of evolutionary competition.

When she found the nest it became her toy. She took pleasure in destroying the insect's habitat, burning them, crushing them and inflicting other tortures that she devised. What did it matter? It's not like they were people.

When she heard her mother's call, she left her plaything behind. But before she did so she carefully marked the Earth's location so that she could come back and play again.

The Secrets of the Illuminati

It was a lust for power that drew me to the Sacred Order of Illuminati. I took upon myself an oath to willingly sacrifice my life should I reveal any of the order's secrets. In the decades that followed I spent many hours memorizing arcane ritual, seeking the greatest of the secrets of the Illuminati.

I'm old now and my life is slipping away. I'll soon be beyond their reach, so I will share that secret with you:

We're just a bunch of old guys who meet and drink coffee to get away from our wives.

Bon Appetit

Without a doubt it was the most expensive meal that had ever been. A hundred men and a ship were lost in it's procurement. Twice as many men were damaged beyond redemption. Under the watchful eye of the worlds greatest chef, the rings floated, bubbling in hot oil.

The world's wealthiest man was sipping wine as the world's most expensive meal was presented to him. He sniffed and his nose wrinkled. With a thoughtful expression he put a piece to his lips and took a small bite. His expression turned sour and he waved the plate of C'thulhumari away.

Being God

It's tough being God. Most people don't have a clue. They say things like "If I were God there wouldn't be these kinds of problems." Right. Adjusting the universal constants was trivial compared to getting the Jews and Arabs to talk. But that's in the past.

I like to make my creatures happy. Sometimes I even make an extra effort like when little Sally Jenkins asked me to make her birthday warm and pretty. I nudged the Earth's orbit just the tiniest bit.

Well, at least the Jews and Arabs aren't arguing any more.

The Church of Schrödinger's Cat

Harry dressed for church.

He'd never liked churches before discovering the Church of Schrödinger's Cat. It's members didn't promise an afterlife, they just promised his luck would change. He could use some luck.

Today would be his hundredth trip into the Cat's Box.

Harry owned two kinds of sweat socks. Low tops and high tops. He randomly pulled two socks from the drawer. When they didn't match he pulled another... and then another.

Staring at the indeterminate socks he was holding Harry realized that they'd told him the truth. His luck really had changed.