Monday, May 31, 2010

Know Thyself

All of my life I've tried to be what people said I should be.

In grade school I was taught to be a team player. In grad school I was taught to play to win.

I hear the bell and children spill out onto the playground.

It took years before I would admit to myself what I, what we, truly are. We're kings of the jungle, killer apes. Nothing can stand before us.

Aiming, I pull the trigger. As the first body falls I line up my second victim.

For the first time in my life I feel truly free.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Test

The aliens did not give us the test until the governments of Earth unanimously requested it. They said if we passed the universe would be open to us.

The test was given to all of humanity. Nine billion people watched the aliens on television. A diagram was drawn, and billions of people copied it. The aliens then demonstrated how common materials could be used to build the simple machine shown on the diagram. Finally they explained that the machine would produce almost infinite energy. We could use it power starships or bombs.

It was a test of our collective character.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mars On The Cheap

"It will cut at least a decade off our current Mars mission time line." said the Professor. "Project costs would be cut by trillions of dollars.

"Please elaborate."

"One of the biggest expenses in space flight is the cost of putting mass into orbit. My proposal eliminates the need for radiation shielding and minimizes life support."

"They hardly appear to be astronaut material."

"Most brain damage occurs before they reanimate. We hope to minimize it with oxygenated blood transfusions during the dormant phase."

The President pondered for a minute. "Where would we find volunteers for such a mission?" he asked.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Thechugupal Dreamed

Thechugupal dreamed and the universe was born. In an instant it grew from nothing to infinity. Matter coalesced into gas, stars and galaxies. Thechugupal dreamed of men and they grew, matured and moved across the universe.

Segual the flea bit Thechugupal while he slept. Deep in his slumber Thechugupal sensed the bite and his dreams became darker. Strange monsters became manifest in the universe. Mankind bravely stood to fight them but the monsters perverted all that they touched, turning reality to horror, making the strongest men into gibbering idiots.

Sequal the flea bit Thechugupal again, and the dreams became nightmares.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Holy Word

"The Lord is generous to those who serve him." the Captain said, as he made the sign. "We bring the heathen God's Holy Word. Those who do not accept His mercy will fall."

The voyage had been a long one and the crew was eager to see the new world. A landing party prepared itself with armor, weapons and the symbols of their faith. Each carried sparkling trinkets to barter with the natives. They jostled one another as they climbed into the boat.

"Push off" cried the Captain and they began their descent to the island called New York.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Zeno's Paradox

History Boy lay in a crumpled heap, his head facing the wrong way.

Mythology Man slowly pulled himself back onto his feet. His gold lamé costume had been shredded in the epic battle. He knew that his situation was desperate.

"It can't end like this." he said. "You can't kill me!" Raising his arms he shouted, "I call upon the power of Zeno's Paradox."

"Checkmate." said Fat Tony. He chucked. "The paradox requires that the universe ends before these bullets reach you. Either way you lose. Time to say goodbye." He pulled the tommy gun's trigger.

The Truth

"It's a product of our military research." Dr. Kleen explained, holding out a pill. "It suppresses emotions. We developed it to free our soldiers from fear. It's quite an experience to see your wife, your kids, your life, unclouded by emotions."

"Are there any side effects?" Asked Sam.

"Tomorrow you'll be your old muddled self." Kleen grinned. "Remember, all I am offering is the truth, nothing more."

Sam swallowed the red pill. With a wave he left the lab.

Two hours later a loud pop punctuated the office. The scent of gunpowder wafted from Sam's cubicle.


The meeting was unpublicized. Only the highest ranking G8 members attended.

President Conners said, "The time for large scale land wars ended a century ago. The people won't stand for it again."

The Prime Minister replied "We have tried every variation of the computer models and the results are always the same. Only a significant decline in the population coupled with strong industrial growth can prevent economic collapse."

"Perhaps we need a new approach to the problem," suggested the Chinese ambassador.

Weeks later the headlines screamed: "Alien Invaders Snatch Bodies: Government Officials Unable To Determine Who's Affected!"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Savior

The Great War had shaken mankind to it's core. Picking up the pieces, we resolved to create a world where such a travesty would never again occur. The world beat it's swords into plowshares. With the discovery of genetics we recreated ourselves, sparking a golden age that lasted 10,000 years.

Our astronomers found others among the stars. Too late we learned that by becoming gentle in a violent universe we'd sealed our own fate.

My world is gone. From an isolated bubble of time I reach into the past and guide humanity's savior, der Führer.


The arrival of the aliens could have been penned by a classic science fiction writer. They showed us scientific miracles millennia beyond anything we ever imagined. Their society was an orderly one where nobody goes hungry, where all citizens are encouraged to achieve their potential.

They said we could have all this and more. The price was a small one. We merely had to embrace the rational and step away from the dark superstitions of our past.

The aliens brought humanity together.

All the world's great religions became one in their declaration of jihad against the infidels from the sky.