Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Drabble Master

Theodore had a passion for writing drabbles. Ideas would come to him and swirl around his brain until he typed them out in perfect drabble form. Once the drabble was posted this strange obsession would pass until he was seized by another idea.

At first Ted would review his drabbles, but he found this profoundly disturing. There were so many drabbles written under his name that he had no recollection of. In time he learned to avoid his own postings.

After posting his final drabble, Theodore stared at the glowing screen and tried to recall who and what he is.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Zombie Thanksgiving

It was Thanksgiving day and all the zombies were as thankful as zombies can be. In the tradition of the holiday they had come together for some family time and a fine Thanksgiving feast.

Of course zombies don't eat turkey, but they had caught a butter ball of a man who lay whimpering in a pen.

They toasted the holiday and each other then partook of an excellent meal. There was much to be grateful for including one very special blessing. You see, when you are a zombie you never have to eat leftovers. They always take care of themselves.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The New Golden Age of Humanity?

A solution had been discovered for the world's energy problems. Ultra compressed matter (UCM), A.K.A. nanoscopic black holes, tear apart atoms that are fed to them in just the right trajectory and release a lot of energy.

Before long the production of UCM power packs resulted in cheap power for everyone. This heralded a new golden age with space travel, flying cars and energy weapons.

Jose was pimping his fine ride, looking for power, when he discovered that shooting one UCM at another creates gravity waves. Soon the homies could feel his boom car all the way out past Luna.

The New Golden Age of Humanity

A solution had been discovered for the world's energy problems. Ultra compressed matter (UCM), A.K.A. nanoscopic black holes, tear apart atoms that are fed to them in just the right trajectory, and in doing so release a remarkable amount of energy.

Before long the production of UCM power packs was automated and commercialized, resulting in cheap power for everyone. This heralded a new golden age right out of Buck Rogers, with space travel, flying cars and hand held energy weapons of almost unlimited power.

It's been said that with great power comes great responsibility. Of course that isn't necessarily true.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Cary's Secret

Cary Fisher had a secret. He knew that the world wasn't real. Cary didn't know what reality was, he just knew that this wasn't it.

With this realization Cary also knew that he couldn't be harmed. While his buddies slaved he slacked. While they sucked dirt in foxholes he lounged on the battlefield. His unit charged the enemy and then everything went black.

The men of the twentieth unplugged from the virtual reality trainer. Sergent Higgen screamed, "Fisher and Collins, you have failed this examination and will be terminated. All you other faggots report for dress parade in fifteen minutes."

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Nani Awards

This year's Nani Awards Ceremony is the talk of the town. This glamorous event showcases the creations of superstar architects from the hundred worlds.

Once again the awards committee has given top honors to the brilliant architect Bodog Sput. Sput is renowned for incorporating unimproved alien DNA into his designs, giving a primitive feel to his cutting edge organic structures.

Sput stunned the worlds with the introduction of his Blue World Earth series. These challenging designs utilize oxygen metabolizing genetics.

The Sput designs Praying Mantis, Cactus and Cheetah were among the finalists. Cheetah took the Mabon Award for Architectural Excellence.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Passing of Wu's World

Wu's world is about to end. Messages have been sent to the population demanding suicide. Many are killed silently without warning. Zombies are everywhere and their numbers are increasing.

Again and again Wu invokes the command that opens a portal to another world. Each time escape is blocked by a demon or the world is too alien for Wu to survive. As everything begins go dark Wu thrusts through the final portal, heedless of where it leads, in a desperate attempt to survive.

This world is small, dusty and archaic. Wu reads a welcoming message:

CP/M 2.2 Copyright 1979

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


The Memes were constantly at war. They fought for control of memespace, the universe in which they lived. Sometimes competing memes, such as science and religion, shared a common memespace locality in an uncomfortable coexistence. But as long any two unique memes existed there could never be peace.

Some memes utilized others, such as patriotism or religious duty, in a bid to destroy the memspace of their enemies. At best this achieved only limited successes.

Eventually science architected a new memespace from the very fabric of time and space where it alone would exist.

The universe awoke and examined itself.

The Bringers of Light

Cha'risa was nearly blinded by the gods. They glowed with a white hot radiance, many many times more brilliant than Almika who brings light to the day.

The gods descent from the sky brought much death. Their very presence killed many of her people. Those who were nearest simply vanished. The gods made the water explode into steam then scorched the dried earth.

Cha'risa steeled her courage to plead for their mercy.

Scanning the dim landscape Frank said "Man, Titan's cold as a bitch!"

Neil nodded and said, "Funny, for a moment I could swear that I saw something move."

The Battle of Xandu

The first blow destroyed the outer wall. Workers screamed as tunnels collapsed, crushing them.

The queen wailed, "My castle, my beautiful castle. No! Noooo!"

The blows continued and what had been an elegant structure, the life's labor of a million workers, was quickly reduced to rubble. The scene was one of pandaemonium, with citizens running blindly in every direction.

The military mobilized quickly and they charged out as one to defend their home. What they saw struck terror into the hearts of even the most battle hardened warriors.

"Timmy," Mommy called out, "stop hitting that ant mound with that stick."

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Barney's Final Mistake

The meeting was held off site, away from prying eyes. Sam Reves spoke to a small group of upper management.

"This is the third time that a child has disappeared from one of his public appearances. We have done what we can to hush things up, but this time the parents are threatening legal action."

Frank Berry said, "That's bad news. If word gets out it could mean the end of the franchise."

Reves replied "It's worse than that. We found blood and teeth marks on a child's shoe in his dressing room. I think that was Barney's final mistake."

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Ride

Eric nosed the big Suzuki into a fast sweeper, his knee skimming the pavement. With the latest in both sports bike and neural implant technologies he felt the 'Zuki's tire, shock and engine temperatures in his mind.

Looking through an overhead satellite Eric saw the nearest traffic three miles ahead. He cranked open the throttle and the turbo spun out thirty pounds of boost. On one wheel his bike rocketed past 270 KPH.

As he began braking for the next corner an ad circumvented Eric's spam filters. Unexpectedly, he found himself inside some blonde, performing in a cheesy porno flic.

Friday, November 13, 2009

William's Tale

William had never given much thought to life after death. In fact, being an atheist he never expected to be in this situation.

When he died William became unable to move. He did not lose consciousness and his senses still worked. He assumed that his consciousness would fade as he decomposed. He had lost sensation from his body when his killer decapitated him.

The worst thing was the torture.

William heard muffled footsteps. He was blinded for a moment when the refrigerator door opened.

Jeffery carried him to a table and began, "William, let me tell you about my mother…"

Thursday, November 12, 2009

There Are No Americans Who Don't Have Health Care

Dr. Foxx invited the Clawsons into her office and asked them to sit.

She began "Tommy's melanoma is small and can be removed with minor surgery. However I see that you don't have health insurance. Is there another means of payment?"

Sam Clawson explained that he lost his job and that his family was without electricity.

The doctor sat silently for a moment. Her eyes scanned the family and settled on young Judy. She said "Perhaps we can perform the surgery and also put some money in your pocket. There is a girl who needs a new heart very badly."


There Are No Americans Who Don't Have Health Care - Rep. Virginia Foxx

Prince Charming

Prince Charming had traveled many leagues to find the girl. He'd fought his way through the brambles that protected the ancient castle. Finally, his quest was at it's end.

She lay sleeping in a glass coffin. She appeared no more than sixteen yet wore attire from his grandparent's day. Her hair was ebony, her lips like rubies and her skin as white as snow. The prince was instantly in love.

He kissed her on the lips. Slowly she awoke from her slumber and reached out to him. From within his embrace she sank her long fangs deep into his neck.

The Great Leader

The Great Leader died while enjoying the company of a peasant boy. His death posed a problem for his inner circle. He'd created a cult of personality and in time the legend had grown larger than the man. To admit that he could, and did, die would create chaos and provide an opportunity to the opposition.

Necromancers were called and demons conjured to animate his body, but they erred in their incantations and Maxwell's Demons were summoned. Soon the people's homes had heat in winter and were cool in the summer.

The Great Leader became known as the Beloved Leader.

OnStar At Your Service

Jennifer had recently changed teams. She used to be a developer for OnStar by day and a hacker extraordinaire by night. Now she's dead by day and one of the living dead by night.

Jennifer was welcomed into the community and the rules were explained. Rule number #1 is that humanity must never know that vampires exist. In an age of autopsies and forensic technologies human beings are pretty much off the menu.

Jennifer asked, "But can't we feed on those who are already badly injured without anyone knowing?"

"Perhaps," the answer came, "but how could we find such people?"

Love in the Twenty Second Century

At the crime scene a blood expert photographed a pattern of yellow-green haemolymph splattered on a wall. The victim was about seventeen. He had put up a fight before being overwhelmed. The force of decapitation had rolled his head into a corner. His naked body had been partly consumed and lay half way off a bed in a large, reddish-brown pool of congealing blood.

"Damned kids." Detective Spencer thought as he surveyed the scene. "You'd think that they would learn. Didn't the boy know that you never take a mantis girl home and then renege on a promise of sex?"

The Conservative Solution

It's a crap-shoot traveling to another star. Most people survive the journey but there never has been and never will be a trip where everybody does.

Here's the deal. The space between the stars is ruled by what you might call elder gods. Lovecraft was pretty close to the truth. They let us pass through their domain if we are willing to let them have some sacrifices. Human sacrifices. Those selected by the elders spend a millennium slowly being digested.

The government's solution is building huge prison ships that also carry a few passengers.

Damn Republicans.

Eye Witness

Tommy sat in the woods alone. Suddenly he became aware of a loud throbbing sound and he saw a flying saucer descending.

It was thirty feet across and topped with a glass dome full of greenish gas. Tommy saw the silhouette of a man in the gas. The UFO hovered and a hatch opened from it's bottom.

As Tommy leapt to his feet the saucer shot straight up into the sky. An instant later it was gone.

Tommy took another huff from his bag of model airplane glue and thought "nobody's gonna believe THAT."


Even though the research center at Los Alamos was top secret, secrets this big rarely last long. The word was out that Los Almos is where the Americans kept their biggest brains.

Under the cover of darkness Sergi and his team scouted the research facility's parameter looking for vulnerabilities. They soon found one, a guard dozing at his post. He never had a chance to make a sound. The team entered the campus.

Using hand signals Sergi directed the others toward the buildings where the scientists lay sleeping. They silently crept forward.

Big brains. Yum. There would be feasting tonight.

The Pagaent

Cindy prances onto the stage to the music of Madonna. Cindy is blonde, wears a red sequined outfit and hot red lipstick. Doing her act it quickly becomes clear that she's the crowd favorite. Cindy exhibits a practiced professionalism that's extraordinary for a four year old.

Shub-Niggurath has tears in her thousand eyes as she accepts the blue ribbon. Training Cindy for the past year she'd come to love the little girl, but she'd known this day would come. Young humans are so cute, but a rancher knows that the slaughterhouse always pays a premium for the 4H club's winner.

Bernie's Retirement

Bernard Madoff was surprised to find himself standing in front of the Prince of Darkness. Even more surprising, he was in a classy executive suite. Satan had the look of senior management and was wearing a very nice italian suit.

"Expecting fire and brimstone, Bernie?" asked Satan. "Not to worry, that's for the rabble." He continued, "I think I have just the position for a man of your talents during your stay with us."

Madoff was soon on his new job. As his first customers entered through the automatic doors he gave them a smile and said "Welcome to Walmart!"

Public Service Announcement

In this season of costumes, jack-o-lanterns, ghosts and goblins, please don't forget the true meaning of Halloween.

When is the last time that you have attended a Sabbat? Join a coven of witches this Samhain and dance naked around the bonfire to celebrate the season turning to the time of the crone.

Welcome your honored ancestors into your home. Tonight the veil between the worlds is at it's thinnest. Set out an offering of food and drink for the departed or hold a seance for friends and family who have passed through the curtain.

Halloween - It's more than just trick-or-treat.

The Executive

Satan was bored.

Entrapping ape creatures with trinkets is a silly job, trivial for even a third rate daemon. Still, he'd worked hard on the way up and eventually became the senior exec.

When mass media had come on the scene Satan enthusiastically made it his own, but his success was his undoing. Television and the internet had automated the reaping of souls leaving him with nothing to do. An eternity of that would be hell.

With that, Satan conceded defeat. He'd won but he'd also lost. Yahweh nodded, cleared the board and asked if he'd like to play again.

Quantum Confabulation

The quantum computer's success demonstrated the existence of multiple, perhaps infinite parallel universes. It functioned by collapsing all the potential universes to only those where the correct answer(s) exist.

Doctor Breider was the first who understood the quantum computer's hidden potential. He realized that by using the computer to arrive at a predetermined answer it's possible to prune the potential pasts though which that result came to be.

A pious man, the Doctor then used the computer to end Darwin's heresy, making real those potential pasts where men walked with dinosaurs and every word in the Bible is literally true.

Pulp Sci-Fi

The ships hummed as they descended through the blue green planet's atmosphere.

In preparation for colonization this world's dominant species had been exterminated by an engineered organism. The plan was simple. The dead of the target species are infected, reanimating them and giving them a craving for living flesh. They attack the living, killing and infecting them. Humanity was converted in weeks.

The ships landed and the colonists looked out on an empty planet. Everything was silent except for some bird calls. Emboldened by their success, the giant brains left the safety of their crafts to explore their new home.


He remembers a previous life. There are flashes of memory of his boyhood, of family and friends. There were girls in his youth and then his service in the war.

It's the memories of that time that come most often. There were battles in the sky where he manned a machine gun ball turret suspended beneath a B-17. The memory that he can't put aside is of slowly bleeding to death, his body shredded by machine gun fire that penetrated the aircraft.

Deep beneath a methane ocean, he scratches his carapace with one tentacle and wonders what an airplane is.

True Story

Janet was driving down CR672 when her headlights illuminated a kitten on the road. It ran from her car into the darkness.

She pulled over, got out of her car and started to call "Here kitty kitty." She heard a tiny cry in response.

Shining a flashlight into the tall grass Janet saw a tiny black and white kitten with big round eyes looking back at her. It didn't try to run, it just sat and cried. It started purring when she picked it up.

As Janet carried the demonic kitten to her car it thought, "Got you now, suckah."

GUT Instinct

As is our tradition on Tuesdays, I sit in on a discussion between Professor Hardy and his graduate students. The topic is, as always, the most recent advances in physics. You see, the esteemed professor is the world's premier authority on the subject of the Grand Unified Theory of Physics.

I listen very carefully to the professor's words. Suddenly, something connected and I see a glorious vision of how all the pieces fit together - I alone understand the Holy Grail of physics, the Theory of Everything!

Leaping to my feet I shouted out in triumph! "Woof! Woof! Woof woof woof!"


The robots didn't intend to decimate humanity. It just happened that way.

It was the robotic love dolls that started it. The robots, programmed to serve humanity's every whim, made them perfect, much more so than any woman. For women they created perfect mechanical men. Why would anyone endure the foibles of flesh and blood when one can have perfection?

Unable to bear offspring, the robots created perfect mechanical children to satisfy human maternal instincts.

The passing of the last human was an unheralded event. But on that day humanity, or at least humanity's progeny, had at last achieved perfection.

Aliens Bearing Gifts

The aliens came bearing gifts. After giving away some free samples they introduced their product lines.

There were energy generators that used no fuel and space ships and flying cars. Credit was extended for the asking to those with sufficient collateral.

The governments of the world were the biggest borrowers. They took out huge loans to ensure that they possessed the best alien weapons.

When the people of Earth were unable to make their payments on time the aliens had no choice but to proceed with foreclosure.

The new inhabitants of Earth got a super deal on a fixer-upper world.

The World's Most Trusted Company

“Mega-Buncha-Cruncha Bar, Mega-Buncha-Cruncha Bar”

Harry can't get the advertising ditty out of his head. At the counter, he's relieved to see that all the Mega-Buncha-Cruncha bars are sold out, because they do taste like stale dog shit.

With the enormous success of the Mega-Buncha-Cruncha Bar campaign, demand for the services of Psyonics Control Advertising goes ballistic. Flush with funds, Psyonics buys a controlling interest in Muzak and begins purchasing local media outlets.

It's a radical concept to privatize a government, but there's huge public support for the buyout of the United States by Psyonics Corporation, the world's most trusted company.

The Muses

The muses come to me at night and leer with their rotting death skull faces. Maggots drop from them onto my desk as they compel me to write. They show me death brought about in ten thousand terrible ways and things that are so much worse than death that the mind must shy away to preserve one's sanity.

It is my weakness that forces me to submit these manuscripts for publication. Had I the courage I would shoot myself, but alas, I do not. I can only release myself from these visions of Hell by passing them on to you.

The Great War

The results are in. “The Great War” is a tremendous commercial success. Audiences are raving about the four year long epic even though it has been less warmly received by critics.

“The sights, the smells, the pathos” says an audience member, “it's a thrill to experience such insanity through the senses of so many different humans. I'm recommending it to all of my hive mates.”

A critic writes: “I feel that supposedly sentient beings behaving with such stupidity is somewhat implausible, but "The Great War" is still very entertaining.”

The producers have announced that a sequel is in the works.


Willowy and pale, she calls to me from the silver screen. I steal a car and head west.

Wherever she goes, I follow. Hidden, just out of sight, I study her. I watch her house at night.

The opportunity that I awaited has come. Her servants and bodyguards are gone, she is alone in her mansion.

In my bag there is rope, knives and tape. It is midnight. The moon is new. I pick the lock and silently slip inside.

She is standing in the shadows. Turning, she smiles.

I am transfixed by her gaze and those long, terrible teeth.

Swan Lake

Police Lieutenant Briansky peered through the mirrored glass at the old man in the interview room. He asked “So this Mr. Von Rothbart has admitted to holding the thirteen missing girls captive?”

“Yes sir” said Sergeant Sadova.

“And you say that we can not press charges?” Briansky queried.

“We have searched his property thoroughly and found no trace of the girls.” Sadova replied. He chucked. “Von Rothbard claims to have used magical powers to turn the missing girls to swans. We did find thirteen swans.”

“Well, there's no law against owning livestock.” Briansky said. “Go ahead and cut him loose.”

Einstein's Greatest Blunder

Forfax scanned the list of defects.

The Creator had hacked His creation together in a week. The rules were simple - dimensions had been created, then seas and land. A light source was set in motion and entities formed to inhabit the Earth.

On a whim the Creator had put a spark of Himself into an entity. Consequently it's offspring possessed consciousness. Forfax tweaked the universe as necessary when they found a flaw in the design.

An entity had proven relativity must exist and mistakenly introduced a cosmological constant. Failing to double check the math, Forfax set the universe in motion.



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God spoke to Mary Wilson. God told Mary to go forth, and tell the people that humanity had sinned. Only a great baptism could redeem the people of Earth.

With the aid of some minor miracles Mary brought to the world a great revival. Men, women and children of all races from all of the world's nations came together.

On the day of the great baptism billions stood on the ocean's shores. At the anointed hour the masses swept forward together.

With tears of joy in her eyes Mary cried, “As you will, so it is done, oh Great Cthulhu.”

Lights in the Sky

Frank Mann lived way up the hollar and nobody much visited him. He didn have no kinred an he didn talk much.

One night their was movin lights in the sky up out Franks way. I heered say that their was some shootin too.

You shudda seen what Frank had when he come to town. Had him some pelts he wanted to trade. Frank said it was alean fur. Said he had some more of them aleans in a cage for breedin.

Aint never heerd of no aleans before but them pelts was bout the nicest I ever did see.

The Others

I don't know where the urges came from. The kittens and puppies were first. There was the boy up the street and later the prostitutes.

I turned my "special talents" into a career. The CIA was among those who utilized my services.

Soon after we encountered the others, one of them "got lost" and found it's way into my care. It's hard shell was no match for my tools.

We didn't know that they are telepathic. Dying, it felt my passions and spread them through it's species.

Unfamiliar with strong emotion, they could not avoid what they did to us.