Sunday, December 9, 2012

A Friend of the Devil

"Welcome to my place." Lucifer said. "Make yourself at home."

He grins. "Not what you expected, right? I know you athiests don't believe in an afterlife and that's OK. No faith for you, you think for yourselves. I like that. That's why you're here. Hell has lots of interesting folk  and I think you'll fit right in."

The place looks like an exclusive night club packed full of people having fun. A kickass jazz band is on stage.

"You see," says the Prince of Light, "there was a battle for the Heavens. And as always the winner wrote the history."

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Precautionary Principle

Experiments with quantum fluctuations led to the understanding that child universes aren't difficult to create. Our universe is constantly spinning off new ones. You don't know it because they separate as soon as they are created.

The revolutionary discovery was that portals can be attached to spawned universes. This provides the ultimate research tool. We began modelling the Earth with alternate societies.

If a portal is discovered by it's world's inhabitants we always destroy it as a precaution. Doing so collapses the child universe.

I think I know how to identify a portal into our universe. I find this... disturbing.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


A new universe ballooned from quantum vacuum, beginning the next iteration of self replicating 3D printer evolution.

Theology Debate

"You do realize" she said "that the only reason for your religious beliefs is the accident of your birth?"

I replied, "It is because of God's love that I was born where I could hear the message of His mercy."

"Consider this." she countered, "What you call love is simply brain chemistry that evolved because it's advantageous for survival. In all the worlds only primates experience what you call love. Is the Creator is a primate?"

She regarded me with multifaceted eyes. "Reason dictates that God favors the arthropoda. Why else would She create us in so many different forms?"

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Out of Time

 "This body that you see is not mine."

"Another nut case." I think. Many of the uber-wealthy are a little odd but their money spends just fine.

"Our civilisation perished millions of years in your past when the dark ones came from the stars. Our minds have escaped through time into members of your species. Your influence can assist our return to this world. You will be richly compensated."

I smile.

Years as a lobbyist has given me access to Washington's inner circles. There, my dark masters will reward me generously to learn that their ancient enemies have returned.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Joy in the Lord

Sitting in the last row of pews old Cerwin scowled. It hadn't been like this in his day. As a boy he'd been a member of a small community located off in the bayou. You knew folk back then and church service was, well, personal.

Some say that the youth movement is a good thing. It brought more folk to the faith but Cerwin felt that something had been lost.

In the mega-church 10,000 worshippers stood swaying to the rock beat. Some waved their hands in the air. Together they sang "C'thulhu loves me - ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Twit Fic!

Understanding that perception is reality, we solved the people's plights by requiring they wear rose tinted glasses.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Twit Fic!

From their vantage above the scorched planet, Zeus said to Prometheus "See, I told you they weren't ready for fire yet."

Monday, June 4, 2012

The Secret Laboratory of Professor Heitzel

"I realize that it may be cruel," Professor Heitzel said, "but nature is also cruel.While there will be suffering I believe that my discovery will lead us to a bright new future. And you will have the honor of leading the way."

I struggled at my bonds but to no avail. I could only make muffled sounds through the gag.

"There's a historical precedent you know," the professor continued as he inserted a hypodermic needle into the vial. "It was only after the Black Plague that a middle class became possible. Just think of it as tough love."

Conspiracy Theory

 I was using my laptop at Starbucks when the men in black sat next to me.

"We're here tell you that we've monitored your on-line comments for some time now." the taller one said. "You've done a remarkable job of discovering the truth about humanity's hidden masters. Yes, collapse is coming. Famine and war will follow."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked. "What happens now? Do I disappear?"

"No," said the second man. "just keep doing what you're doing. Conspiracy theorists are our best allies. Nobody ever believes them."

They stood. "We just wanted to fuck with you."

Monday, March 12, 2012


Sipping his morning cup Sam planned his day. He could sing in the heavenly choir. Or, he could sing in the heavenly choir.


Sally felt like she had been standing in the reception line for an eternity. It was finally her turn. Jesus looked bored.


"You're welcome to enter if you like." said Saint Peter. "I must warn you it's a bit crowded. We only planned for 144000."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Return of Dick Doorstop

Opening my eyes, I looked around. I was laying on a table in a well lit room. Three identical nurses surrounded me. They were blond, buxom, and barely fit in their short uniforms.

"Welcome to the future Mr. Holmes.", the nearest one said.

The future? Outside of the large window a flying car zipped past.

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You're quite the hero. When resurections became available there was a huge debate about who to bring back first. You were chosen to celebrate the anniverery of your landmark film, 'Johnny Wadd'."

She giggled. "Now then - me first."

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Chosen

"I don't care what you say about the aliens. At least they have a sense of humor."

Sammy replied, "I keep telling you that it wasn't aliens."

"You keep saying that, but the government couldn't have done it."

It's true. The government had disappeared along with everyone else. Except for Ron Paul and some Republicans.

"They wouldn't make themselves disappear, would they?"

Eugene pontificated, "We are the chosen and it's our responsiblity to rebuild a new future in our image. The problem's the female shortage."

"Agreed. I never imagined that humanity would end because women wouldn't wear tinfoil headgear."

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bear Park

The boys were all seated when Mister Granger got on the bus. He looked them over, his eyes pausing for a moment at the three empty seats. The boys were unusually quiet. The eyes of some were red from crying. Even the troublemakers were pale and withdrawn.

"Well boys, it's been a long day but before we leave I'm going to hand out your new merit badges. You all did well and should be proud of yourselves. Once more, what did we learn today?"

In unison, the boys repeated the mantra, "In life, sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes...."

Sunday, February 19, 2012


"Those lambs live so briefly. It's sad."
"We all gotta eat." Sam said.
"I'm glad you feel that way." The stranger smiled.